Rites of Passage
Generally people like consistency and repetition in the form of traditions and rites. It is also important for people to feel a progression through life; this is especially relevant to young people who measure their self worth on the view of others and on how they relate to grown-ups (people who have already "made it").
Some of the more day-to-day rituals are common enough for everyone (religious or not) and so we don't need to differentiate here.
But Rites of Passage are another matter, these are prevalent in religious families and generally completely absent in non-religious families. Even in many modern religious homes, these rites that mark passing of time tell a person they are progressing aren't clear. Take as an example the following story:
When my father passed away, I remember wondering if I was now a man; and then immediately thought what an odd thought that was. How is it that a 45 year-old man with four kids and a successful career could not consider himself a "man"? It took some thinking, but the answer lied in the fact that there was never any point in my life where I was recognized as being an adult/man. It was high school, then college, then starting a job, then getting married, having kids and building my career - nowhere did I reach a point where someone told me I "made it".
This story, though striking, probably isn't that unusual. You may laugh at someone not thinking they are a man at that age, but you would just be playing on the literal meaning of the word - it might be clear logically, but not emotionally. What is important here is that this person's upbringing didn't have the rites of passage that would have made it clear when he passed into adulthood.
The following sections take us through some phases/ages that are important to recognize. We have put some tradition and formality around these to make it very clear the individual has "passed" on to the next phase of their life. Of course these may not work well for you and you should consider how you would want to accomplish this in a way that makes sense for you.
Celebrating Reason
There are varying opinions on why a child begins to recognize themselves as separate from the world; and each child is different so there is no exact age that this happens. But sometime around the age of seven, a child starts to gain reason or self-awareness (some would say sentience). At that point, they recognize that actions have a result and that they can impact the world around them. In some countries (Japan for instance), children are not really held accountable until they reach this age and then are held very accountable. In some religions, this is the first point that the child can understand enough of the religion to be able to participate in particular sacraments (e.g. first communion in Catholicism).
For us, we did not make this an elaborate celebration or require anything specific of the child. But we did have a 7th Celebration for each child to recognize the passing into sentience. After this point we also started to make a point of including the child in decisions (or at least allowing him/her to offer opinions) and in getting them to begin to be responsible/accountable to the family as a team.
The 7th Celebration in our household usually involved Mom and Dad spending a day with the child away from the other children in something fun (e.g. an amusement park).Recognizing Maturity
This may be the most important of all of these (despite the little story above), the most difficult, and the one we have spent the most time on.
In many religions there is a rite of passage around the 13-year-old point. In Catholicism, this is Confirmation where the individual is meant to confirm that s/he wants to stay in that religion. The important point here is that the religious practices are recognizing that the individual is now old enough to make that decision and to be held accountable for it.We need something just as important to the individual's life in a non-religious setting, but this one goes further than just this. We believe that it is a parent's job to prepare each child for the world and to be able to function in it without the parent's presence. This age and the transition that follows needs to be a recognition that the child is ready. Because of that and because of the social aspects of modern society, 13 is probably too young.
We have designed a complete program around this transition. We call it Aostach (an Irish word that roughly means the transition to maturity) that includes many topics and abilities that we think the individual should know/have before we recognize them for being mature/capable/ready. These include various topics split into the following categories:
- Domestic Skills
- Financial Skills
- Safety and Survival
- Physical Fitness
- Daily Practical Knowledge
- Ethics, Morals, and Social Responsibilities
- Other
A complete listing of the various topics and sub topics can be found here.
The culmination of this program is a stress test and a ceremony that shows everyone s/he has "graduated". More importantly, the stance towards this individual, really the attitude other adults have towards him/her changes. Once passing this program, we consider the person a peer in the house generally with all the rights of another adult staying with us. Of course there are caveats to this in case the person isn't a reasonable adult - if it was a guest you could kick them out, but in the case of a child you can't. We laid down basic expectations that we would have of an adult staying with us and held the individual accountable to these and to adult behavior.This process helped our oldest become a mature person with the self respect and knowledge of someone who is ready for the world. It may not work for everyone and we are sure the specifics will change for everyone who tries this, but it is a successful method of having a rite of passage into "Maturity" for a non-religious household.
Recognizing Adulthood
This is a more difficult topic for us simply because we haven't had a child go through it yet. Additionally, in modern society, children are maturing into adulthood at a later and later point. We recently heard that the number of people still living at home and unmarried at the age of 30 has increased dramatically.
For any particular individual, maturity into "adulthood" (this being based on a level of maturity rather than biological age) can vary greatly. But generally in America it is somewhere in their 20's. Also, even in religious families today, this isn't something that is specifically recognized.
For our purposes, we want to recognize the "Coming of Age" into adulthood as a recognition of the maturity, ability and readiness of the individual. You could look at it as almost a handoff of the reigns and so it may be best to tie it to getting married or having a child.
Our plan is to wait until one of the following happens:
- The individual gets engaged to be married
- The individual announces that she (or the partner of he) is pregnant or is going to adopt a child
- The individual is approaching his/her 30th birthday.
We have a large package of stuff to turn over at that point along with a conversation about the responsibilities of caring for others. The package includes the following:
- A complete set of pictures on DVDs (we have scanned in all in the past and take all new ones with a digital camera)
- An updated Genealogy Book
- Our yearly letters (we both write a letter to the kids, my wife to each individually, myself to the group, once a year)
- A novella I wrote called Reflections in the Dark that contains what words of wisdom I can offer
- Memorabilia from growing up (keepsakes, photo albums, etc.).
- Christmas (or winter solstice if you prefer) ornaments (we bought a new one each year for each child)
The point of this exercise and conversation is to make the individual aware that s/he is now independent and ready for the world and has the responsibilities of a full-fledged adult, especially now that s/he is becoming responsible for others (or at least of that age).