Appropriate Rituals
Historically rituals are abundant: from minor practices like shaking hands, bowing or saluting to complex practices around marriage and barbaric ones like ritual sacrifice. Rituals are present in virtually every known society both for religious and non-religious purposes. As a general rule, the actions involved in a ritual are prescribed by the ritual and are not necessarily there for some defined purpose.
We have many minor rituals we do today that evolve over time in society; these are not important for this discussion. The ones we want to cover are those that religion has historically prescribed and which are primarily (but not exclusively) practiced in a religious setting today. In particular we mean the various rituals around life-events, like:
- Birth Celebrations
- Commitment and Marriage Celebrations
- Separation or Divorce Rituals
- Memorials and Funerals
- Other less traditional rituals
For many of these rituals, your best option is to find an officiant that can preside over the ceremony. There are a number of options for finding an officiant, including:
- The Humanist Society Humanist Celebrant program.
- The Unitarian Universalists offer services like this at their congegrations.
- The Church of Spiritual Humanism offers ordained reverends, you can get a list by state in their forum.
- InterfaithOfficieants.com offes a list of officiants by state.
- If you are in Colorado, you can contact me :).
You can also ask a close friend or relative to perform these ceremonies, though check on state rules around marriage.
Birth Celebrations
Birth celebrations are present in pretty much every society in the world. They vary greatly; from baptisms in the west to the bonding celebration in Bali when a child is recognized as being alive at 6 months and is allowed to touch the ground for the first time - 3 day celebration of the entire village. Most of these celebrations have religious context and some include the somewhat barbaric tradition of circumcision.
In the modern, non-religious home, celebrations of birth frequently involve an email or some phone calls with everyone being happy and saying "congratulations" or maybe smoking a cigar. What they don't generally include is a more formal acceptance into the world by close family members and friends or the concept of a guardian outside of the parents (e.g. a godparent).
What is needed is a more formal celebration of life that includes some inspiring words and some ritual. Other than finding a Humanist Celebrant (etc.), the other possibility is having the new guardians ("godparents") preside over the celebration. In any case, you should have some form of guardian assigned to the child and talk with them before hand about your expectations around accepting the responsibility. Too often nowadays people are assigned to be guardians and don't know what it means; they don't really take on the responsibilities.
We would also suggest you have a formal certificate as many organizations do with baptism and that you have a small party for the attendees afterwards.
Commitment or Marriage Celebrations
In many states today, common law marriages have made it possible for couples to marry themselves or to have anyone preside over the marriage. This can be as simple as committing to each other and behaving like you are married or as complex as a full-blown wedding with a non-religious minister (e.g. Humanist Celebrant).
Wedding traditions vary over the world and between races and cultures within a country. The specifics of the wedding are completely up to the individuals and should reflect their beliefs and philosophies. The American Atheists have a nice article on some wedding ceremony options for Humanists. Local chapters of Humanists, Atheists, or Brights can also refer you to qualified people to preside over the ceremony.
Separation or Divorce Rituals
Many religious organizations are today recognizing divorce and the importance of providing a ritual around it to help the participants move on. Both Beliefnet (Christian) and Ritual Well (Jewish) have pages on a rituals around separation and/or divorce.
The same options for marriage ceremonies are available for divorce or separation. The more important thing to consider here are the children that are involved. In the case of children, separation and divorce is immensely complex and should not be taken lightly. Even the decision of whether or not to separate or divorce can tear a person apart. If the decision is made, we strongly suggest you obtain counseling for both yourself and your children from a reputable, experience family counselor.
Memorials and Funerals
I have had the unfortunate privilege to be a part of many memorials and funerals through my life; from two of my brother's funerals (when I was 12 and 14) to friends and other family including my parents. The best of these have invariably been the ones that celebrated the person's life rather than concentrating on their death. Nowadays you can create a multimedia presentation (or even just a slide show) of pictures and events that represent the person, provide drinks and music, and toast the life of the individual. This has a lot more meaning than many of the traditional religious funerals.
Another tact that I have not seen taken and would like to is one detailed by Orson Scott Card in his Ender's science fiction series. In that series, Ender starts a practice of having a Speaker for the Dead come in and give a real, down-to-earth talk about the person. Nothing is spared; the real facts of who the person was and what they were in life is brought out. Sometimes it is painful, but always it is healing. To me, the ideal celebration of passing would involve a running slide show of pictures of the person's life followed by a "speaker for the dead" talk and then drinking and festivities with a lot toasting.
The most important thing is to provide the understanding and therefore the healing that the family and friends need. Generally this needs to fall within the confines of what the deceased person would want done. When my father passed away, he specifically asked that we not get up in front of everyone and talk about all the great things he had done. In his mind his life should speak for itself and people either knew him for what he did or did not and in either case didn't need to be told. We honored this and when I spoke to everyone, I read a poem that my siblings and I felt represented my father.
The good news for non-religious people is that there are no real legal aspects of a funeral, so any reasonable ceremony can be performed by anyone; no qualifications are specifically required. So finding a Humanist Celebrant or a friend to talk is perfectly acceptable and in many cases a family member is the most appropriate.
Other Less Traditional Rituals
There are many less traditional but practiced rituals that you can consider. Many of these are used to recognize the progression through life and to provide a sense of belonging to a community as we all experience some of these. They include rituals like the following:
- Hand Fasting (an old Celtic tradition of binding prior to marriage)
- Adulthood (see rites)
- High School or College Graduation
- First House
- New Job
- Anniversary
- Conversion (to being a Humanist hopefully)
- Adoption
- Menstruation or Menopause
- Coming out (announcement of being homosexual)
- Debutante Announcement